But, as I felt Roger’s unfamiliar arms wrap around me and hoist me off my mattress, as the darkness increased, I thought that, maybe, dying wouldn’t be all that bad after all. Maybe I would even prefer it over sleeping. Nobody can prove what it’s like to die, so it might be exactly like sleeping forever.

Death had its bright sides. If I did end up dying tonight, then I would never have to come back and face the horrible reality that I wove for myself. I’d never have to experience a world where I’ve hurt the man I love, coerced my best and only friend into hating me, broke the heart of the only person who ever cared about the suppressed side of me, become a complete monster, and caved under the pressure of it all. By all fault of mine, I had nothing left to wake up for.

Maybe, if I die, then everything can go back to normal, back to the way it should have been. Ellie can find a new best friend, who won’t take her for granted. Joey can embrace everything that he has without me risking it all for him. Danny [which is Bill’s new persona] can find a girl who’s worthy of all the love he has to give. Mum and Roger can have their happy ending without me around to rain on their parade. Everybody can be okay without me, and I’ll be gone, not to be remember. What kind of mark did I ever have on anybody? In ten years from now, who will look back and wish I was there with them? Everyone will move on, and my existence and suffering will have all been for not.

The obvious choice, when you have absolutely nothing left to live for, when you’ve messed up as bad as I did, is to disappear. And if that means dying, then so be it. At this point, dying sounds like a vacation I’m far overdue for.

Maybe I really would rather die. Maybe it would be better for everyone.

As long as I could still somehow be with Danny, could still enjoy the comforting sight of his beautiful, shining smile, then I would be okay with it.

You know, before, when I thought I was dying, I wondered what it was going to be like, and I came to the conclusion that what happens to you depends on your beliefs. The Catholics go to Heaven, the Muslims go where Allah wants them to, the Buddhists go toward Nirvana, the Hindus go to a new life, the Agnostics go to get their answers, and the Atheists go in the ground. But what about me? What did I believe in?

I believe in Danny Chatman. I believe in the feelings he gives me. I believe in his comfort and concern for me. I believe that he loves me. I believe that I love him, too.

So, if you go to what you believe in when you die, then I must be right on my way to Danny, just the two of us, forever.

I smiled to myself as best as I could as everything around me went black, and I faded away from the world.